Anxiety & Depression

I realize that i've been dealing with this problem for my whole life. As i said, my ex-girlfriend who have been together with me for 5 years finally left because of this.... I dont blame her, she deserve to be happy anyway, with someone who positive and better person.

Heisenberg: My new musical project, after i lost Kiss The Fallen.

I always love grunge. Even when i'm still playing drums in my former deathcore band Kiss The Fallen, grunge is still the music that i love to listen to. Coz that's how it all started. How i started to love music. Started with of course obviously Nirvana, then Butterfingers, Pearl Jam, Alice In Chains, Soundgarden, Stone Temple Pilots, Foo Fighters, Bush etc.Grunge music along with all alternative rock and garage rock inspired me to learn to play electric guitar and try some singing as well. Now that i'm out from KTF, this is my opportunity to form a grunge band by myself. 

Walaupun aku amat sedih meninggalkan KTF 2 tahun lalu, tetapi apakan daya aku terpaksa melepaskan jua. Aku percaya di sebalik nya ada hikmah yang tersembunyi. So here i am, starting over with the grunge band named Heisenberg. It may be still rough around the edges, but what band doesn't at their first attempt? Same with KTF too 6 years ago....Now we're on the way writing materials and producing our first EP.

Heisenberg. From left: Berrie(drums), Me(Guitar/Vocal) & Jenglot(Bass)

Our first single called 'SMUT'

Wasted Youth.

Here's the story, I'm 27 years old now, and 2 years ago, my first real love of 5 years dumped me. We had met as freshmen in 2006 and spent all of our time in university together. She was sweet, kind hearted, beautiful, and we spent most of our time together until we graduated in our degree.

Back then when i was 20, i was so immature,naive,low self esteem and self respect, and i vent all that negative emotion mostly towards her. I said all the stupid things when i let emotions rule me....back then i wasn't smart enough to realize this until it's too late, i destroyed what we had..i'm the guy that doesn't always realize the error of his ways at just the right moment. i take advantage of her kindness and take it for granted. She was very sympathetic, patient, giving n loving, n I’m too stupid to notice that, I disappointed her n yet she always put up with me. I was a douchebag, asshole n ungrateful bastard, and i still cant forgive myself for that.

Then on July 2011, she told me that we had grown too far apart. She told me she loved me "in a different way," now. She love me, but not as same as she used to. I didn't want to believe it. I begged her to stay with me. I promised to spend more time together and make it like things were when we first met, and change who i used to be, but she insisted on breaking up. I was devastated. She was the only girl I've ever been with. I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep, driving to secluded places and slamming on things and screaming until my hands were numb and I was out of breath, but as time went on, I realized and started to accept being without her.

I'm doing my best to move on, but being without her made me realize that I wasted so much of my youth. From 20 to 25, the time when most young guys are supposed to have fun and party and chase girls, I was stuck with this one who wouldn't even stick around.

I never learned to flirt. I never even learned to ask a girl out or even talk to her because I spent all my time with my girlfriend, and it's killing me inside. I want to meet someone new, but I'm 27 now and I feel like I'm still in fucking highschool! I can't even look a girl in the eye and ask for her name or say mine. 

It's so hard moving on alone. I'm trying to look to the future, but every day alone is more hope out the window. I feel like a ship adrift at sea; like a blind man trying to get out of a maze. Every day, I feel more and empty and dead inside.

The hardest part for me has been to look around and see everyone else around me - my friends, entering the "married and bred" phase of their life and here I am, effectively - as you feel - an 18 year old again.

I want to meet someone new. I want to go on a date again. I want to feel wanted and desired again, but I have no idea where to begin...So please god, help me.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

This sucks. I never expected to have this problem growing up. But I did. And i just realized i've been dealing with this most of my life.

I feel like my social skills have been delayed for so long. I wonder if I will ever catch up. I wonder if I will ever be "normal" like other people. I wonder if I will be able to have normal friendships and to connect with others normally.

At first, the problem wasn't me. I used to think I didn't have any friends because of my social skills. But then I talk pretty normal, sound pretty normal....I think I am pretty normal. Except I think i'm kinda smart but then I am not nerdy or geek or anything. And i have my own passion which is music. Particularly in rock music. Whenever it comes to rock and roll, i suddenly become the energetic, confident, expressive version of myself, it's like my alterego. I'm not afraid to let loose and go crazy when it comes to that. And Kurt Cobain is my all time hero. 

I guess it all started when I got bullied, more to verbal abuse. I withdrew for a number of years. People labeled me with unwanted labels and reputations. I didn't deserve that. The problem wasn't me. Kids can be so cruel and it hurt a lot.

I developed trust issues. I became shyer from being told to shut up and being told I was boring, uninteresting, any number of names etc. I began to withdraw more to protect myself, I became more unfriendly to protect myself from rejection and hurt. It became harder for me to see who I could trust and who I couldn't trust.  I became more and more uncomfortable around people automatically.  I would cast myself automatically as a reject, outcase, I would act like I didn't belong and didn't fit in.

I had started to OUTCAST my ownself. To victimize and put myself down before anyone else did. I was doing this internally without realizing it. After many many years, I had begun to do to myself, what was done to me. I was self-destructive. I was bitter, angry and emotional. I did not understand what had happened. I did not consider anyone a friend. Only 1 or 2 people that i ever considered as my best friends, and 1 of them was my ex gf. It's sad but true. I could not trust a person's intentions. I glossed over words like "friendship", "bond", "fun" because they were too painful and I told myself they didn't apply to me. And because of that, my girlfriend who have been together with me for 5 years finally left because of my negative behavior, personality and attitude. I dont blame her, she deserve to be happy anyway, with someone who positive and better person.

Currently I'm learning to observe people. It has been a long road. I don't have difficulty making contact or making acquaintances but I can't seem to take it farther than that. I have the most difficulty with people who don't need my help, with people who are put together.

I was perfectly normal as a young child, fun, engaging, interesting, I reached out to people. It was only after being teased, labeled, stigmatized, beat down, hurt, and rejected over and over that I became like this. Overtime I developed behaviors and attitudes that led me down this path, and the weird thing is, I was even aware and conscious of it, but i really dont know how to control it.

I have been used many times. I have been manipulated and deceived by so-called friends who knew that I am a nice and good person and who used that to their advantage. I am tired of being used. I am tired of people who bail on me the second they get what they want, and people who only think of me  the second they need or want something. After all deep down, i think i'm really a nice, kind hearted person, do i have to break bad so the world will notice my existence?


 

My Worst Enemies.

I'm not blaming you for falling in love with another guy, I'm not angry either. I should be, but i'm not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but i was wrong.

Because to me, our love is everything and you were my whole life. It's not very pleasant to realize that it was only an episode.

Now the memories i always cherish when we were together become my worst enemies. The thoughts i loved  to think about, suddenly seems a lot safer to lock them in a box, far from the light of day and throw away the key.

I love you. With no beginning, no end. I love you as you have become an extra necessary organ in my body. I love you, without fear, without expectations. Wanting nothing in return, except that you allow me to keep you here in my heart.

Move on already, they said. What they don't get is that it's not so easy when the memories of you is stuck on replay in my head. How happy you made me. Those were always be my best memories, and i will never be able to erase them. If i could, i would in a heartbeat. It'd be so much easier to move on. To forget you, like you forgot me.

Why am i still single..

I dont settle for less. Why should i? I mean, i got my own class and standards. I deserve better. Since the end of my real relationship in 2011, i have 2 rebounds actually. Both didnt work out the way i wanted to. It's because i dont love them the way they deserve to be loved, and i dont love them the way i wanna love somebody. And they didn't  meet my expectation on their personality and intelligence. The reason why the rebounds happen in the first place is just because I just craving for sexual intercourse and coitus,thats all, nothing more nothing less, without all emotional attachment.

But all this shit will have to stop when i'm already meet 'the one'.

The Victim.

I find it's very amazing that the one who really wants to break up their relationship find a way to hook up with someone new in 6 months or less...while a guy, a victim, like me are left stranded alone in some fucking pathetic island. How the hell they just seem to forget easily and move on with someone new? Are they really that heartless, cruel, cold hearted person? It’s like she going through this break up like a piece of cake, we been together for 5 years for fuck sake. This is really2 degrading for me. Sometimes i think all these 5 years, she just kept me on the line while she looked for someone else, making me like a fool holding on to this fake relationship. She used me and sold me out for her own happiness.

Sometimes, i really do want karma will get her someday,  to suffer the same pain that i've suffered. But i guess it isn’t always the best way, to wish bad things for others. She seems so happy right now so i should let her be. The best way is, to just live my own life, and live it for myself. The only thing that messed me up right now is the flashbacks that always come into my mind, trying to make me realize that i’ve lost so much. I even avoid certain places and songs that keep reminding me of her. But i will keep going through this mess, as i made some progress lately. I realize the very2 right direction is to leave that as a past experience. It’s just a part of life, and i can call it a story. The story that i will tell to my future children perhaps, if i luckily to be married, one day.

The things that i do right now, lecturing, teaching graphic design to the young, kept me preoccupied and eventually i found out that by comparing myself to my peers (who are in relationships, engaged and married),i was further ahead in terms of 'planning for my future'. Comparing to me, they will taking over relationship responsibilities, problems and commitment, having kids etc. It's a lot for them to do, to take care of. It's a lot of pressure for them. 

As for me, I'm stress-free. I have freed myself from the burden of being in relationship. Instead of taking over a lot of responsibilities, i focusing on my dreams and my future. But, despite that, i can deny the fact that the 'dreams' can only mean so much for such short time. I do miss the physical, mental, and emotional experience that one can share with a woman. I want what she had with that new guy now, the emotional, mental and physical connection of 2 people. Things like that are priceless and barely comes often.

But i still believe and told myself that there's someone for everyone.