Annie Hall.

Woody Allen in his 1977's movie 'Annie Hall',  sums up an understanding of how relationships are utterly absurd and that love inevitably fades, although people still crave relationships:

"...And I thought of that old joke. You know, the, this, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, 'Doc, uh, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken,' and uh, the doctor says, 'Well why don't you turn him in?' And the guy says, 'I would, but I need the eggs.' Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and - but uh, I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs...."

Change 2

"You change for 2 reasons: either you learn enough that you want to, or you've been hurt enough that you have to.."

Fear.

The main reason why it’s very tempting of wanting to go back to what we once had, reminiscing, clinging to the past memories and all, are because of fear. To move forwards in life, definitely involves fear, taking risks, facing the unknown and uncertainty future. Going back along the road that we already traveled once has none of that because u already know the route, the pitfalls and the dangerous parts of the journey. Past are familiar, and new is always scary, so it’s always easy to get sucked back into the comfort of going back.

However, with no risk, comes no reward, and if u always do what u’ve always done, u will only get what u’ve always had. And there will be no exciting adventure in your life then...."No Pain, No Gain". The way i see it now, the important thing in life, isn’t the destination, but the journey, the challenges we faced along the way, the unexpected challenge and twist on the road, the failure and disappointments that u overcome. Eventually sooner or later i have to do something, for myself, and make my mark. But until then, whatever i do is not a waste of time, it’s all building towards something. All my life, people dont expect much from me, n never took me seriously. If i don't start taking care and loving myself, who the fuck else will?

Embrace the Chaos.

When something harms your soul and smashes your heart so profoundly and deep, u cant deal with it without wishing u were dead or walking through this life in a dead state. You can't underestimate depression and true sadness, it's your soul dying, and you basically have no will to live. But someday somehow,sooner or later, u will come back alive again, and breath a new life, it's just a matter of time, that's all. Just embrace the chaos. Life do comes with no guarantees, no time outs and no second chances. Deal with it Eddy!

Hurt.

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

the only thing that's real

The needle tears a hole

the old familiar sting

Try to kill it all away

but I remember everything

What have I become?

My sweetest friend

Everyone I know

goes away in the end

You could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit

Upon my liar's chair

Full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair

Beneath the stain of time

the feelings disappear

You are someone else

I am still right here. 

What have I become?

my sweetest friend

Everyone I know

goes away in the end

You could have it all

my empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

If I could start again

a million miles away

I would keep myself

I would find a way...

Indifference.

Everyday i romanticize you less and less, and i hate you more n more, i dont know if it's a good thing or not,but for now,it's a right thing...Deep inside, i dont want to hate you, but the way things are, i just have to, to keep me sane and moving on with my life. But someday, i wanna feel indifference. That i dont love you neither hate you. Its like you dont even exist in my history. And i dont want to know you, you'll be nothing to me. You'll be erased.

Goodbye KTF.

2011, the year that i lost everything...literally everything. As much as i love my stupid fucking fake romantic relationship that ironically last for 5 years (romantic?really? urgh disgusting), my love for my band Kiss The Fallen were much higher and greater...and i lost it too. But i really had no choice, i had to let it go, because i dont wanna sign up for more pain. Although i sacrificed a lot for this band, for 4 years since 2007, i'm done, i'm out...i never had a chance to say goodbye, i hope this will do...But hey, Underoath lost Aaron Gillespie, A7X lost The Rev, but they still can go on....Nevermind, I will strive on my own, even from scratch, only this time, i'm alone and by myself. To Ejat, Wan & Jenglot, i will always love and miss u guys, u'll always be my bestfriend, i will never forget u, I'll keep you in my heart and my mind. Always. I will cherish every moment we had together in KTF, n i'm sorry if i did anything wrong. For now, at least, just consider myself were already dead....Goodbye.

This bastard will not be missed