1st step...

1st step to happiness = i find the happiness in the job i have now. Good environment, good colleagues, tambah2 lagi dapat bekerja sekali with my bestfriend of 5 years. I hope this is the 1st step for me to smile again, even just a little bit. Aku harap sekurang2nya aku dapat menimbulkan inspirasi dalam diri aku, berkeyakinan untuk jadi lebih kreatif, tidak menoleh ke belakang lagi, terus melihat kedepan dan kedepan. Dan sekurang2nya passion aku terhadap kerja design ni mampu timbul dan reemerge kembali, n i got the feeling with this new job, i will make the best out of it, coz for the past 2 months all my passion were kinda dead n destroyed completely, which is my passion in art, design and even music ( i even quit my band). Now, i think i'm back, insya Allah. I wanna feel whole again. Next....

I Quit My Job.

The tragedy that i'm going through has been the trigger i needed to my system, to get my life back on track. I started to appreciate my family more - something I had never really consider before. And most recently, I quit the job that I was unhappy in, started to search a new career interest that will make me happy. Surprisingly, after quitting job, i feel so relieved. It feels so good. Sometimes things need to fall apart to make way for better things. I believe I may end up having an entire new perspective on my life. I wanna start fresh....

I gain a new perspective of what i really2 wanna do in my life. And the main question is: what i really wanna do for living? I just realized maybe for a long term, it's not gonna be graphic design, I dont wanna do shit just to please and satisfy some strangers called customer and client? If I wanna do art, I will do it for myself, as a hobby, not for some other assholes. I learn that if u hate the job, the people, the working environment, just quit. It’s that easy, u just up n quit. Besides i'm too young to get stuck in unhappy situation (someone taught me this..)

It's important to have a job that makes a difference, especially to yourself. I had waste and struggle five years of studying and doing graphic, it's so exhausting. So why the hell i need to do and repeat the same shit, in my career? I decided to take this as my stepping stone to another career that makes me happy, and i hope i will find one eventually. I dont want this  “I hate my job” path travel down the ever dangerous “I hate my life” path. I want something that makes me feel alive. Those who working their ass off just to please others were already dead, according to me.

I gotta find what i really wanna do, and be passionate about it. I dont wanna get up in the morning just to 'work', i wanna get up in the morning, doing something that i'm passionate about, and get paid for it, eventhough money is not really the case. In the meantime, i just have to keep searching, not just for the job, but what i'm really passionate and happy about....

Change.

Is change really a good thing? Is new always better?...I'm having a hard time to believe it. I used to be a coward, so afraid of any kind of change, terrified of anything new, why? Because its comfortable and familiar, and i'm so desperate to cling to anything comfortable and familiar. Any attempt to change it will shatter the illusion of my so called beautiful future. It’s all too easy to get too comfortable in something. All this while, I have this inability to improve my station in life. I blame life for shitting on me all the time, bitching and complaining, never once accepting my own responsibility for my situation. It must be great to have an ability to just simplify things. Like if u dont satisfied with certain things in your life, or unhappy with it, u can just change it, throw it away, dump it. Just like that. Simple. But i dont have the ability to risk the comfortable situations on better things and future. So what i could do? I just sit there and be miserable cause i dont have guts to face change.

But in inevitable case, whether u want it or not, you have to face the change, embrace it, and make the best out of it, so u wont be a coward anymore. I mean you cant fight and run away from fate, can u? When god chose you, so be it! Yeah i gotta admit i never been through something more traumatic in my life, until now. And yeah my life’s in the shitter right now.

However, this is a defining moment, to define whether i have the courage or not, to face the change in my life. It teach me to be strong, and be more mature. It's a life lesson. There's a reason why god put me into this situation, to teach something about ME, to really to get to know myself, and to get closure. It change my point of view in life, to whole new, different level. I never even thought about the need to improve my station in life until now. I'm the guy that doesn't always realize the error of his ways at just the right moment. I used to take things for granted, until god finally chose me to teach some lesson...I finally learn to forgive myself, and forget, coz let’s face it nobody's perfect, and everybody make terrible mistakes in some point of their life, and sooner or later u gotta pay for those mistakes and sins.....

I know the future is scary, but you cant just run back to the past because it's comfortable and familiar. Yeah its really tempting, but its a mistake. And this is not giving up, i just feel that i had enough, there's a different between giving up and letting go they say. I have to surrender what i am, for what i could become. I believe this is the opportunity to sort my life out, get on with my life to a better future, closing the sad, past chapter of my life, only to open up a new, great one. I hope there’s a light at the end of the tunnel...

"It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right..."- Billy Joe Armstrong