Why am i still single..

I dont settle for less. Why should i? I mean, i got my own class and standards. I deserve better. Since the end of my real relationship in 2011, i have 2 rebounds actually. Both didnt work out the way i wanted to. It's because i dont love them the way they deserve to be loved, and i dont love them the way i wanna love somebody. And they didn't  meet my expectation on their personality and intelligence. The reason why the rebounds happen in the first place is just because I just craving for sexual intercourse and coitus,thats all, nothing more nothing less, without all emotional attachment.

But all this shit will have to stop when i'm already meet 'the one'.

The Victim.

I find it's very amazing that the one who really wants to break up their relationship find a way to hook up with someone new in 6 months or less...while a guy, a victim, like me are left stranded alone in some fucking pathetic island. How the hell they just seem to forget easily and move on with someone new? Are they really that heartless, cruel, cold hearted person? It’s like she going through this break up like a piece of cake, we been together for 5 years for fuck sake. This is really2 degrading for me. Sometimes i think all these 5 years, she just kept me on the line while she looked for someone else, making me like a fool holding on to this fake relationship. She used me and sold me out for her own happiness.

Sometimes, i really do want karma will get her someday,  to suffer the same pain that i've suffered. But i guess it isn’t always the best way, to wish bad things for others. She seems so happy right now so i should let her be. The best way is, to just live my own life, and live it for myself. The only thing that messed me up right now is the flashbacks that always come into my mind, trying to make me realize that i’ve lost so much. I even avoid certain places and songs that keep reminding me of her. But i will keep going through this mess, as i made some progress lately. I realize the very2 right direction is to leave that as a past experience. It’s just a part of life, and i can call it a story. The story that i will tell to my future children perhaps, if i luckily to be married, one day.

The things that i do right now, lecturing, teaching graphic design to the young, kept me preoccupied and eventually i found out that by comparing myself to my peers (who are in relationships, engaged and married),i was further ahead in terms of 'planning for my future'. Comparing to me, they will taking over relationship responsibilities, problems and commitment, having kids etc. It's a lot for them to do, to take care of. It's a lot of pressure for them. 

As for me, I'm stress-free. I have freed myself from the burden of being in relationship. Instead of taking over a lot of responsibilities, i focusing on my dreams and my future. But, despite that, i can deny the fact that the 'dreams' can only mean so much for such short time. I do miss the physical, mental, and emotional experience that one can share with a woman. I want what she had with that new guy now, the emotional, mental and physical connection of 2 people. Things like that are priceless and barely comes often.

But i still believe and told myself that there's someone for everyone.

Closure.

Lately I constantly try to torturing myself, to see whether i still feel, just to made me stronger. So that in the future whenever i do hear stuff about them from friends or whoever, i'm just numb. I wont feel anything anymore. It's like the worst is over for me.  I feel like i can completely start over again.  And there's nothing left that im gonna be anxious about. I guess i'll be free from the anxiety, the trauma and the heartache. 

I think now i wont get hurt if seeing her with her new guy anymore. To be honest, it does give me a sense of closure. I keep thinking now at least i can live a normal life. I wont constantly be worrying about things like "is she dating someone?" "what if she meets someone new?""do we have a chance?" because I have answers for all of those now. I see that she's so in love with him, and in a weird way, i'm glad that she's happy. So weird. It gives me a sense of relief that i've gotten past that stage and the worst is over. At least now i wont be worrying whether or not she's dating someone because i know that she is.  I got over it, finally, at least that's what i thought. There's really nothing much left there that she and her new guy say to each other that i haven't seen, so I dont really care anymore at this point. I just laugh when thinking back of this word that once said to me: " fall head over heels for u syg"..it's just so funny there's a people in this world that can actually take this word as a joke, n that's really says a lot about this person.

Its been more than a year. Though it still hurts and makes me sad at times, i can truly say that i'm glad i have gotten past that stage that most of us fear which is seeing our past love with somebody new. Yes it would hurt like crazy the first time you find out about it. You might become obsessed too. But in time, you'll also feel that seeing her with someone new takes away all the false hope that most of us tend to linger on. 

And at the end of the day, you will finally realize that she's not worth it. 

Life as a Lecturer

Inspirational character of my favourite TV Series 'Breaking Bad', Walter White aka Heisenberg

Started to work as Graphic Design Lecturer in Kolej Bersekutu UiTM about 5 months ago, i never thought that this is the career path that i end up with, but so far whatsoever, i'm quiet happy with this job. A lot of new experience, meeting new people and facing a new challenge, but it's very exciting. I maybe don't have several criteria to be a great lecturer n teacher yet, but i'm working on it as best as i can. I can honestly say that i love my job now. I'm very eager to share a piece of my mind, my idea and grab this opportunity to be creative again. I already letting go and giving up my old passion and interest, which is my band, music, gigs, so i guess this is my new start, my new passion. This is my chance to do what's right, for myself, and leave the old, negative and pessimistic of me. To be the wisest person  that i could be. I aspire to inspire....

So the conclusion is, it does get better. 

Hesher's speech.

"I pulled this gas tank from an old Chevy. I wanted to blow it up, so I did. What I didn't think about was all the little bits of metal that were going to fly out in every direction. I almost killed myself. I woke up in this hospital and this doctor was like, "Son..." and I said "Don't call me son, you fucking cunt." And he was like, "You blew off your nut." pause I just lost my nut, like that. I went fucking crazy. I assaulted a nurse or a doctor, I don't really remember. I got arrested. I went to juvee. All I could think about was my fucking nut, man. I'm missing a nut. What am I going to do? I had to go looking for it, right? So I busted out of juvee and I went searching. I couldn't find my nut. pause Well, there was this one night I was sitting there and I was taking a shit and I was looking at my balls and I was staring at this little piece of flabby sack where my left nut used to be. And then I saw my right nut for the first time. I was like FUCK MAN, MY NUT! Look I have one, I still have a nut. Right? It's a good nut, it works. God or the fucking devil or whoever the fuck it is you know he left me with one good nut. I still have a fucking nut and it works. And my fucking dick works too...Okay, you lost your wife. And you lost your mom. I lost my nut". 

The Idiot.

Looking back at 6 years ago, i was young, very2 young when i found love. To me, it's a process of learning and growing, therefore i made so many stupid mistakes in order to be what i am today. Now when i think of that, i realized you must and should make mistakes in your life so you can learn from it and grow up. You need that mistakes, to evolve, to change. Back then, when i was still in relationship, i was really immature, paranoid, insecure, narcissistic, arrogant, overreact, inconsiderate, egocentric, pessimist, ungrateful, stubborn, ignoramus, hot tempered, irrational, condescending jerk and surprisingly lack of self esteem and self respect. To conclude them all, in other word, i was very2 negative. I always wanna win an argument, even at the cost of a relationship. And that was so foolish and immature of me. When i was in relationship, it taught me so much to improve myself to better, little by little. But just right when i think i'm about to change and improve myself to be a better guy, i lost the relationship. It's gone. And I really didnt see it coming, and i never thought that would happened just when i already become a changed man, positive person. I was too blind to see that i had that coming.

But i guess that's the price i had to pay anyway, for all the wrong deeds and sins i've done. I can honestly say, i learned my lesson, even it seems a bit too late. And i learned it in a very2 hard way. It nearly killed me.  To look at the bright side, if it wasnt for this breakup, i would never learn to appreciate life, and trying be a better person. I cant believe i said this, but technically i really need that tragedy to happened. Maybe i dont see it back then, but now, my eyes and my mind were wide open and clearer. I deserve all the pain and suffering. Really2 deserve it. With everything that happened, i can either feel sorry for myself or treat what has happened as a gift. It’s an opportunity to grow.  And I dont want it to be an obstacle to keep me from growing. I have to learn from that.

So the next time when i found love again, i mean new love, i will never ever ever taking it for granted. I mean what kind of idiot who screw up for a second time right? I wont be that idiot again. Not anymore.

The more difficult it is to reach your destination, the more you’ll remember and appreciate the journey.

The July 16

Today i had the worst nightmare ever in my life. It's far more worst than all the nights before. Nothing ever beat this night. Once i woke up, then i realized, it's July 16. No wonder i had the worst nightmare. Yeah this date most probably dont mean anything to most of the people in the world, but it means a hell lot to me. 16th July 2011 is the day that i getting started to appreciate every little things in my life. It's the day that i lost my soul, my heart was grinded into pathetic little pieces. The day that i started to think, to initiate change in my life. My world had turned black, and i had to crawling in enormous pain and unbearable agony searching for colors back. And i mean this literally. The pain is so real. Only god knows.

Since that day, i lived with pain everyday, but now i think i'm already immune to it. It's been a year of that tragic moment, thank god i'm still strong. I hope that one day, July 16 dont mean anything to me anymore. And while thinking and looking back at it, i can laugh and smile for what a stupid person i am.

Thank you for the pain...

"Fuck it man, u got to get on with your life, let go of the past...."

I dont know, sometimes it still hurts, it's like you wake up everyday, and it hurts a little bit less, and a little bit less..then you wake up 1 day, it doesnt hurt at all..and the funny thing is, it's like...you almost miss that pain...because you lived with it for so long.

Self Destruction

When something horrible happens to me, it always gonna push me to the point of 2 choices: either destroying myself or get myself back up and improving my situation in life..The thing about me is: I'm so suck in self destruction, i mean i'm not a smoker, alcoholic, let alone a fucking junkie LOL, and i'm not much of depressive type nor suicidal kind of character, i just act that way sometimes, maybe just to look cool, or deep, like tortured artist or something (i know, that's stupid).

Then, when something real happen that need me to choose the path of self destruction, i'll always choose the opposite way instead. It's not that i'm not thinking about suicide or any form of self abuse and destruction, it's just i'm not really good at it, i'm suck at it. Maybe it's because the way i was raised, since school whenever i fail, i'll always find a way to succeed or at least improving myself. Yeah i do feel like shit and I always wonder how is it like to choose other path, the self destructive tendencies. But if i did, it means i choose to be a loser.

Life gets tough day by day, i have to prepare myself and keep it on. Sometimes the cards we are dealt are not always fair. I hope i never lose it. I hope.....

Annie Hall.

Woody Allen in his 1977's movie 'Annie Hall',  sums up an understanding of how relationships are utterly absurd and that love inevitably fades, although people still crave relationships:

"...And I thought of that old joke. You know, the, this, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, 'Doc, uh, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken,' and uh, the doctor says, 'Well why don't you turn him in?' And the guy says, 'I would, but I need the eggs.' Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and - but uh, I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs...."

Change 2

"You change for 2 reasons: either you learn enough that you want to, or you've been hurt enough that you have to.."

Fear.

The main reason why it’s very tempting of wanting to go back to what we once had, reminiscing, clinging to the past memories and all, are because of fear. To move forwards in life, definitely involves fear, taking risks, facing the unknown and uncertainty future. Going back along the road that we already traveled once has none of that because u already know the route, the pitfalls and the dangerous parts of the journey. Past are familiar, and new is always scary, so it’s always easy to get sucked back into the comfort of going back.

However, with no risk, comes no reward, and if u always do what u’ve always done, u will only get what u’ve always had. And there will be no exciting adventure in your life then...."No Pain, No Gain". The way i see it now, the important thing in life, isn’t the destination, but the journey, the challenges we faced along the way, the unexpected challenge and twist on the road, the failure and disappointments that u overcome. Eventually sooner or later i have to do something, for myself, and make my mark. But until then, whatever i do is not a waste of time, it’s all building towards something. All my life, people dont expect much from me, n never took me seriously. If i don't start taking care and loving myself, who the fuck else will?

Embrace the Chaos.

When something harms your soul and smashes your heart so profoundly and deep, u cant deal with it without wishing u were dead or walking through this life in a dead state. You can't underestimate depression and true sadness, it's your soul dying, and you basically have no will to live. But someday somehow,sooner or later, u will come back alive again, and breath a new life, it's just a matter of time, that's all. Just embrace the chaos. Life do comes with no guarantees, no time outs and no second chances. Deal with it Eddy!

Hurt.

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

the only thing that's real

The needle tears a hole

the old familiar sting

Try to kill it all away

but I remember everything

What have I become?

My sweetest friend

Everyone I know

goes away in the end

You could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit

Upon my liar's chair

Full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair

Beneath the stain of time

the feelings disappear

You are someone else

I am still right here. 

What have I become?

my sweetest friend

Everyone I know

goes away in the end

You could have it all

my empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

If I could start again

a million miles away

I would keep myself

I would find a way...

Indifference.

Everyday i romanticize you less and less, and i hate you more n more, i dont know if it's a good thing or not,but for now,it's a right thing...Deep inside, i dont want to hate you, but the way things are, i just have to, to keep me sane and moving on with my life. But someday, i wanna feel indifference. That i dont love you neither hate you. Its like you dont even exist in my history. And i dont want to know you, you'll be nothing to me. You'll be erased.

Goodbye KTF.

2011, the year that i lost everything...literally everything. As much as i love my stupid fucking fake romantic relationship that ironically last for 5 years (romantic?really? urgh disgusting), my love for my band Kiss The Fallen were much higher and greater...and i lost it too. But i really had no choice, i had to let it go, because i dont wanna sign up for more pain. Although i sacrificed a lot for this band, for 4 years since 2007, i'm done, i'm out...i never had a chance to say goodbye, i hope this will do...But hey, Underoath lost Aaron Gillespie, A7X lost The Rev, but they still can go on....Nevermind, I will strive on my own, even from scratch, only this time, i'm alone and by myself. To Ejat, Wan & Jenglot, i will always love and miss u guys, u'll always be my bestfriend, i will never forget u, I'll keep you in my heart and my mind. Always. I will cherish every moment we had together in KTF, n i'm sorry if i did anything wrong. For now, at least, just consider myself were already dead....Goodbye.

This bastard will not be missed