Anxiety & Depression

I realize that i've been dealing with this problem for my whole life. As i said, my ex-girlfriend who have been together with me for 5 years finally left because of this.... I dont blame her, she deserve to be happy anyway, with someone who positive and better person.

Heisenberg: My new musical project, after i lost Kiss The Fallen.

I always love grunge. Even when i'm still playing drums in my former deathcore band Kiss The Fallen, grunge is still the music that i love to listen to. Coz that's how it all started. How i started to love music. Started with of course obviously Nirvana, then Butterfingers, Pearl Jam, Alice In Chains, Soundgarden, Stone Temple Pilots, Foo Fighters, Bush etc.Grunge music along with all alternative rock and garage rock inspired me to learn to play electric guitar and try some singing as well. Now that i'm out from KTF, this is my opportunity to form a grunge band by myself. 

Walaupun aku amat sedih meninggalkan KTF 2 tahun lalu, tetapi apakan daya aku terpaksa melepaskan jua. Aku percaya di sebalik nya ada hikmah yang tersembunyi. So here i am, starting over with the grunge band named Heisenberg. It may be still rough around the edges, but what band doesn't at their first attempt? Same with KTF too 6 years ago....Now we're on the way writing materials and producing our first EP.

Heisenberg. From left: Berrie(drums), Me(Guitar/Vocal) & Jenglot(Bass)

Our first single called 'SMUT'

Wasted Youth.

Here's the story, I'm 27 years old now, and 2 years ago, my first real love of 5 years dumped me. We had met as freshmen in 2006 and spent all of our time in university together. She was sweet, kind hearted, beautiful, and we spent most of our time together until we graduated in our degree.

Back then when i was 20, i was so immature,naive,low self esteem and self respect, and i vent all that negative emotion mostly towards her. I said all the stupid things when i let emotions rule me....back then i wasn't smart enough to realize this until it's too late, i destroyed what we had..i'm the guy that doesn't always realize the error of his ways at just the right moment. i take advantage of her kindness and take it for granted. She was very sympathetic, patient, giving n loving, n I’m too stupid to notice that, I disappointed her n yet she always put up with me. I was a douchebag, asshole n ungrateful bastard, and i still cant forgive myself for that.

Then on July 2011, she told me that we had grown too far apart. She told me she loved me "in a different way," now. She love me, but not as same as she used to. I didn't want to believe it. I begged her to stay with me. I promised to spend more time together and make it like things were when we first met, and change who i used to be, but she insisted on breaking up. I was devastated. She was the only girl I've ever been with. I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep, driving to secluded places and slamming on things and screaming until my hands were numb and I was out of breath, but as time went on, I realized and started to accept being without her.

I'm doing my best to move on, but being without her made me realize that I wasted so much of my youth. From 20 to 25, the time when most young guys are supposed to have fun and party and chase girls, I was stuck with this one who wouldn't even stick around.

I never learned to flirt. I never even learned to ask a girl out or even talk to her because I spent all my time with my girlfriend, and it's killing me inside. I want to meet someone new, but I'm 27 now and I feel like I'm still in fucking highschool! I can't even look a girl in the eye and ask for her name or say mine. 

It's so hard moving on alone. I'm trying to look to the future, but every day alone is more hope out the window. I feel like a ship adrift at sea; like a blind man trying to get out of a maze. Every day, I feel more and empty and dead inside.

The hardest part for me has been to look around and see everyone else around me - my friends, entering the "married and bred" phase of their life and here I am, effectively - as you feel - an 18 year old again.

I want to meet someone new. I want to go on a date again. I want to feel wanted and desired again, but I have no idea where to begin...So please god, help me.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

This sucks. I never expected to have this problem growing up. But I did. And i just realized i've been dealing with this most of my life.

I feel like my social skills have been delayed for so long. I wonder if I will ever catch up. I wonder if I will ever be "normal" like other people. I wonder if I will be able to have normal friendships and to connect with others normally.

At first, the problem wasn't me. I used to think I didn't have any friends because of my social skills. But then I talk pretty normal, sound pretty normal....I think I am pretty normal. Except I think i'm kinda smart but then I am not nerdy or geek or anything. And i have my own passion which is music. Particularly in rock music. Whenever it comes to rock and roll, i suddenly become the energetic, confident, expressive version of myself, it's like my alterego. I'm not afraid to let loose and go crazy when it comes to that. And Kurt Cobain is my all time hero. 

I guess it all started when I got bullied, more to verbal abuse. I withdrew for a number of years. People labeled me with unwanted labels and reputations. I didn't deserve that. The problem wasn't me. Kids can be so cruel and it hurt a lot.

I developed trust issues. I became shyer from being told to shut up and being told I was boring, uninteresting, any number of names etc. I began to withdraw more to protect myself, I became more unfriendly to protect myself from rejection and hurt. It became harder for me to see who I could trust and who I couldn't trust.  I became more and more uncomfortable around people automatically.  I would cast myself automatically as a reject, outcase, I would act like I didn't belong and didn't fit in.

I had started to OUTCAST my ownself. To victimize and put myself down before anyone else did. I was doing this internally without realizing it. After many many years, I had begun to do to myself, what was done to me. I was self-destructive. I was bitter, angry and emotional. I did not understand what had happened. I did not consider anyone a friend. Only 1 or 2 people that i ever considered as my best friends, and 1 of them was my ex gf. It's sad but true. I could not trust a person's intentions. I glossed over words like "friendship", "bond", "fun" because they were too painful and I told myself they didn't apply to me. And because of that, my girlfriend who have been together with me for 5 years finally left because of my negative behavior, personality and attitude. I dont blame her, she deserve to be happy anyway, with someone who positive and better person.

Currently I'm learning to observe people. It has been a long road. I don't have difficulty making contact or making acquaintances but I can't seem to take it farther than that. I have the most difficulty with people who don't need my help, with people who are put together.

I was perfectly normal as a young child, fun, engaging, interesting, I reached out to people. It was only after being teased, labeled, stigmatized, beat down, hurt, and rejected over and over that I became like this. Overtime I developed behaviors and attitudes that led me down this path, and the weird thing is, I was even aware and conscious of it, but i really dont know how to control it.

I have been used many times. I have been manipulated and deceived by so-called friends who knew that I am a nice and good person and who used that to their advantage. I am tired of being used. I am tired of people who bail on me the second they get what they want, and people who only think of me  the second they need or want something. After all deep down, i think i'm really a nice, kind hearted person, do i have to break bad so the world will notice my existence?


 

My Worst Enemies.

I'm not blaming you for falling in love with another guy, I'm not angry either. I should be, but i'm not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but i was wrong.

Because to me, our love is everything and you were my whole life. It's not very pleasant to realize that it was only an episode.

Now the memories i always cherish when we were together become my worst enemies. The thoughts i loved  to think about, suddenly seems a lot safer to lock them in a box, far from the light of day and throw away the key.

I love you. With no beginning, no end. I love you as you have become an extra necessary organ in my body. I love you, without fear, without expectations. Wanting nothing in return, except that you allow me to keep you here in my heart.

Move on already, they said. What they don't get is that it's not so easy when the memories of you is stuck on replay in my head. How happy you made me. Those were always be my best memories, and i will never be able to erase them. If i could, i would in a heartbeat. It'd be so much easier to move on. To forget you, like you forgot me.

Why am i still single..

I dont settle for less. Why should i? I mean, i got my own class and standards. I deserve better. Since the end of my real relationship in 2011, i have 2 rebounds actually. Both didnt work out the way i wanted to. It's because i dont love them the way they deserve to be loved, and i dont love them the way i wanna love somebody. And they didn't  meet my expectation on their personality and intelligence. The reason why the rebounds happen in the first place is just because I just craving for sexual intercourse and coitus,thats all, nothing more nothing less, without all emotional attachment.

But all this shit will have to stop when i'm already meet 'the one'.

The Victim.

I find it's very amazing that the one who really wants to break up their relationship find a way to hook up with someone new in 6 months or less...while a guy, a victim, like me are left stranded alone in some fucking pathetic island. How the hell they just seem to forget easily and move on with someone new? Are they really that heartless, cruel, cold hearted person? It’s like she going through this break up like a piece of cake, we been together for 5 years for fuck sake. This is really2 degrading for me. Sometimes i think all these 5 years, she just kept me on the line while she looked for someone else, making me like a fool holding on to this fake relationship. She used me and sold me out for her own happiness.

Sometimes, i really do want karma will get her someday,  to suffer the same pain that i've suffered. But i guess it isn’t always the best way, to wish bad things for others. She seems so happy right now so i should let her be. The best way is, to just live my own life, and live it for myself. The only thing that messed me up right now is the flashbacks that always come into my mind, trying to make me realize that i’ve lost so much. I even avoid certain places and songs that keep reminding me of her. But i will keep going through this mess, as i made some progress lately. I realize the very2 right direction is to leave that as a past experience. It’s just a part of life, and i can call it a story. The story that i will tell to my future children perhaps, if i luckily to be married, one day.

The things that i do right now, lecturing, teaching graphic design to the young, kept me preoccupied and eventually i found out that by comparing myself to my peers (who are in relationships, engaged and married),i was further ahead in terms of 'planning for my future'. Comparing to me, they will taking over relationship responsibilities, problems and commitment, having kids etc. It's a lot for them to do, to take care of. It's a lot of pressure for them. 

As for me, I'm stress-free. I have freed myself from the burden of being in relationship. Instead of taking over a lot of responsibilities, i focusing on my dreams and my future. But, despite that, i can deny the fact that the 'dreams' can only mean so much for such short time. I do miss the physical, mental, and emotional experience that one can share with a woman. I want what she had with that new guy now, the emotional, mental and physical connection of 2 people. Things like that are priceless and barely comes often.

But i still believe and told myself that there's someone for everyone.

Closure.

Lately I constantly try to torturing myself, to see whether i still feel, just to made me stronger. So that in the future whenever i do hear stuff about them from friends or whoever, i'm just numb. I wont feel anything anymore. It's like the worst is over for me.  I feel like i can completely start over again.  And there's nothing left that im gonna be anxious about. I guess i'll be free from the anxiety, the trauma and the heartache. 

I think now i wont get hurt if seeing her with her new guy anymore. To be honest, it does give me a sense of closure. I keep thinking now at least i can live a normal life. I wont constantly be worrying about things like "is she dating someone?" "what if she meets someone new?""do we have a chance?" because I have answers for all of those now. I see that she's so in love with him, and in a weird way, i'm glad that she's happy. So weird. It gives me a sense of relief that i've gotten past that stage and the worst is over. At least now i wont be worrying whether or not she's dating someone because i know that she is.  I got over it, finally, at least that's what i thought. There's really nothing much left there that she and her new guy say to each other that i haven't seen, so I dont really care anymore at this point. I just laugh when thinking back of this word that once said to me: " fall head over heels for u syg"..it's just so funny there's a people in this world that can actually take this word as a joke, n that's really says a lot about this person.

Its been more than a year. Though it still hurts and makes me sad at times, i can truly say that i'm glad i have gotten past that stage that most of us fear which is seeing our past love with somebody new. Yes it would hurt like crazy the first time you find out about it. You might become obsessed too. But in time, you'll also feel that seeing her with someone new takes away all the false hope that most of us tend to linger on. 

And at the end of the day, you will finally realize that she's not worth it. 

Life as a Lecturer

Inspirational character of my favourite TV Series 'Breaking Bad', Walter White aka Heisenberg

Started to work as Graphic Design Lecturer in Kolej Bersekutu UiTM about 5 months ago, i never thought that this is the career path that i end up with, but so far whatsoever, i'm quiet happy with this job. A lot of new experience, meeting new people and facing a new challenge, but it's very exciting. I maybe don't have several criteria to be a great lecturer n teacher yet, but i'm working on it as best as i can. I can honestly say that i love my job now. I'm very eager to share a piece of my mind, my idea and grab this opportunity to be creative again. I already letting go and giving up my old passion and interest, which is my band, music, gigs, so i guess this is my new start, my new passion. This is my chance to do what's right, for myself, and leave the old, negative and pessimistic of me. To be the wisest person  that i could be. I aspire to inspire....

So the conclusion is, it does get better. 

Hesher's speech.

"I pulled this gas tank from an old Chevy. I wanted to blow it up, so I did. What I didn't think about was all the little bits of metal that were going to fly out in every direction. I almost killed myself. I woke up in this hospital and this doctor was like, "Son..." and I said "Don't call me son, you fucking cunt." And he was like, "You blew off your nut." pause I just lost my nut, like that. I went fucking crazy. I assaulted a nurse or a doctor, I don't really remember. I got arrested. I went to juvee. All I could think about was my fucking nut, man. I'm missing a nut. What am I going to do? I had to go looking for it, right? So I busted out of juvee and I went searching. I couldn't find my nut. pause Well, there was this one night I was sitting there and I was taking a shit and I was looking at my balls and I was staring at this little piece of flabby sack where my left nut used to be. And then I saw my right nut for the first time. I was like FUCK MAN, MY NUT! Look I have one, I still have a nut. Right? It's a good nut, it works. God or the fucking devil or whoever the fuck it is you know he left me with one good nut. I still have a fucking nut and it works. And my fucking dick works too...Okay, you lost your wife. And you lost your mom. I lost my nut". 

The Idiot.

Looking back at 6 years ago, i was young, very2 young when i found love. To me, it's a process of learning and growing, therefore i made so many stupid mistakes in order to be what i am today. Now when i think of that, i realized you must and should make mistakes in your life so you can learn from it and grow up. You need that mistakes, to evolve, to change. Back then, when i was still in relationship, i was really immature, paranoid, insecure, narcissistic, arrogant, overreact, inconsiderate, egocentric, pessimist, ungrateful, stubborn, ignoramus, hot tempered, irrational, condescending jerk and surprisingly lack of self esteem and self respect. To conclude them all, in other word, i was very2 negative. I always wanna win an argument, even at the cost of a relationship. And that was so foolish and immature of me. When i was in relationship, it taught me so much to improve myself to better, little by little. But just right when i think i'm about to change and improve myself to be a better guy, i lost the relationship. It's gone. And I really didnt see it coming, and i never thought that would happened just when i already become a changed man, positive person. I was too blind to see that i had that coming.

But i guess that's the price i had to pay anyway, for all the wrong deeds and sins i've done. I can honestly say, i learned my lesson, even it seems a bit too late. And i learned it in a very2 hard way. It nearly killed me.  To look at the bright side, if it wasnt for this breakup, i would never learn to appreciate life, and trying be a better person. I cant believe i said this, but technically i really need that tragedy to happened. Maybe i dont see it back then, but now, my eyes and my mind were wide open and clearer. I deserve all the pain and suffering. Really2 deserve it. With everything that happened, i can either feel sorry for myself or treat what has happened as a gift. It’s an opportunity to grow.  And I dont want it to be an obstacle to keep me from growing. I have to learn from that.

So the next time when i found love again, i mean new love, i will never ever ever taking it for granted. I mean what kind of idiot who screw up for a second time right? I wont be that idiot again. Not anymore.

The more difficult it is to reach your destination, the more you’ll remember and appreciate the journey.

The July 16

Today i had the worst nightmare ever in my life. It's far more worst than all the nights before. Nothing ever beat this night. Once i woke up, then i realized, it's July 16. No wonder i had the worst nightmare. Yeah this date most probably dont mean anything to most of the people in the world, but it means a hell lot to me. 16th July 2011 is the day that i getting started to appreciate every little things in my life. It's the day that i lost my soul, my heart was grinded into pathetic little pieces. The day that i started to think, to initiate change in my life. My world had turned black, and i had to crawling in enormous pain and unbearable agony searching for colors back. And i mean this literally. The pain is so real. Only god knows.

Since that day, i lived with pain everyday, but now i think i'm already immune to it. It's been a year of that tragic moment, thank god i'm still strong. I hope that one day, July 16 dont mean anything to me anymore. And while thinking and looking back at it, i can laugh and smile for what a stupid person i am.

Thank you for the pain...

"Fuck it man, u got to get on with your life, let go of the past...."

I dont know, sometimes it still hurts, it's like you wake up everyday, and it hurts a little bit less, and a little bit less..then you wake up 1 day, it doesnt hurt at all..and the funny thing is, it's like...you almost miss that pain...because you lived with it for so long.

Self Destruction

When something horrible happens to me, it always gonna push me to the point of 2 choices: either destroying myself or get myself back up and improving my situation in life..The thing about me is: I'm so suck in self destruction, i mean i'm not a smoker, alcoholic, let alone a fucking junkie LOL, and i'm not much of depressive type nor suicidal kind of character, i just act that way sometimes, maybe just to look cool, or deep, like tortured artist or something (i know, that's stupid).

Then, when something real happen that need me to choose the path of self destruction, i'll always choose the opposite way instead. It's not that i'm not thinking about suicide or any form of self abuse and destruction, it's just i'm not really good at it, i'm suck at it. Maybe it's because the way i was raised, since school whenever i fail, i'll always find a way to succeed or at least improving myself. Yeah i do feel like shit and I always wonder how is it like to choose other path, the self destructive tendencies. But if i did, it means i choose to be a loser.

Life gets tough day by day, i have to prepare myself and keep it on. Sometimes the cards we are dealt are not always fair. I hope i never lose it. I hope.....

Annie Hall.

Woody Allen in his 1977's movie 'Annie Hall',  sums up an understanding of how relationships are utterly absurd and that love inevitably fades, although people still crave relationships:

"...And I thought of that old joke. You know, the, this, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, 'Doc, uh, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken,' and uh, the doctor says, 'Well why don't you turn him in?' And the guy says, 'I would, but I need the eggs.' Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and - but uh, I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs...."

Change 2

"You change for 2 reasons: either you learn enough that you want to, or you've been hurt enough that you have to.."

Fear.

The main reason why it’s very tempting of wanting to go back to what we once had, reminiscing, clinging to the past memories and all, are because of fear. To move forwards in life, definitely involves fear, taking risks, facing the unknown and uncertainty future. Going back along the road that we already traveled once has none of that because u already know the route, the pitfalls and the dangerous parts of the journey. Past are familiar, and new is always scary, so it’s always easy to get sucked back into the comfort of going back.

However, with no risk, comes no reward, and if u always do what u’ve always done, u will only get what u’ve always had. And there will be no exciting adventure in your life then...."No Pain, No Gain". The way i see it now, the important thing in life, isn’t the destination, but the journey, the challenges we faced along the way, the unexpected challenge and twist on the road, the failure and disappointments that u overcome. Eventually sooner or later i have to do something, for myself, and make my mark. But until then, whatever i do is not a waste of time, it’s all building towards something. All my life, people dont expect much from me, n never took me seriously. If i don't start taking care and loving myself, who the fuck else will?

Embrace the Chaos.

When something harms your soul and smashes your heart so profoundly and deep, u cant deal with it without wishing u were dead or walking through this life in a dead state. You can't underestimate depression and true sadness, it's your soul dying, and you basically have no will to live. But someday somehow,sooner or later, u will come back alive again, and breath a new life, it's just a matter of time, that's all. Just embrace the chaos. Life do comes with no guarantees, no time outs and no second chances. Deal with it Eddy!

Hurt.

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

the only thing that's real

The needle tears a hole

the old familiar sting

Try to kill it all away

but I remember everything

What have I become?

My sweetest friend

Everyone I know

goes away in the end

You could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit

Upon my liar's chair

Full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair

Beneath the stain of time

the feelings disappear

You are someone else

I am still right here. 

What have I become?

my sweetest friend

Everyone I know

goes away in the end

You could have it all

my empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

If I could start again

a million miles away

I would keep myself

I would find a way...

Indifference.

Everyday i romanticize you less and less, and i hate you more n more, i dont know if it's a good thing or not,but for now,it's a right thing...Deep inside, i dont want to hate you, but the way things are, i just have to, to keep me sane and moving on with my life. But someday, i wanna feel indifference. That i dont love you neither hate you. Its like you dont even exist in my history. And i dont want to know you, you'll be nothing to me. You'll be erased.