The July 16

Today i had the worst nightmare ever in my life. It's far more worst than all the nights before. Nothing ever beat this night. Once i woke up, then i realized, it's July 16. No wonder i had the worst nightmare. Yeah this date most probably dont mean anything to most of the people in the world, but it means a hell lot to me. 16th July 2011 is the day that i getting started to appreciate every little things in my life. It's the day that i lost my soul, my heart was grinded into pathetic little pieces. The day that i started to think, to initiate change in my life. My world had turned black, and i had to crawling in enormous pain and unbearable agony searching for colors back. And i mean this literally. The pain is so real. Only god knows.

Since that day, i lived with pain everyday, but now i think i'm already immune to it. It's been a year of that tragic moment, thank god i'm still strong. I hope that one day, July 16 dont mean anything to me anymore. And while thinking and looking back at it, i can laugh and smile for what a stupid person i am.

Thank you for the pain...

"Fuck it man, u got to get on with your life, let go of the past...."

I dont know, sometimes it still hurts, it's like you wake up everyday, and it hurts a little bit less, and a little bit less..then you wake up 1 day, it doesnt hurt at all..and the funny thing is, it's like...you almost miss that pain...because you lived with it for so long.

Self Destruction

When something horrible happens to me, it always gonna push me to the point of 2 choices: either destroying myself or get myself back up and improving my situation in life..The thing about me is: I'm so suck in self destruction, i mean i'm not a smoker, alcoholic, let alone a fucking junkie LOL, and i'm not much of depressive type nor suicidal kind of character, i just act that way sometimes, maybe just to look cool, or deep, like tortured artist or something (i know, that's stupid).

Then, when something real happen that need me to choose the path of self destruction, i'll always choose the opposite way instead. It's not that i'm not thinking about suicide or any form of self abuse and destruction, it's just i'm not really good at it, i'm suck at it. Maybe it's because the way i was raised, since school whenever i fail, i'll always find a way to succeed or at least improving myself. Yeah i do feel like shit and I always wonder how is it like to choose other path, the self destructive tendencies. But if i did, it means i choose to be a loser.

Life gets tough day by day, i have to prepare myself and keep it on. Sometimes the cards we are dealt are not always fair. I hope i never lose it. I hope.....

Annie Hall.

Woody Allen in his 1977's movie 'Annie Hall',  sums up an understanding of how relationships are utterly absurd and that love inevitably fades, although people still crave relationships:

"...And I thought of that old joke. You know, the, this, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, 'Doc, uh, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken,' and uh, the doctor says, 'Well why don't you turn him in?' And the guy says, 'I would, but I need the eggs.' Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and - but uh, I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs...."

Change 2

"You change for 2 reasons: either you learn enough that you want to, or you've been hurt enough that you have to.."

Fear.

The main reason why it’s very tempting of wanting to go back to what we once had, reminiscing, clinging to the past memories and all, are because of fear. To move forwards in life, definitely involves fear, taking risks, facing the unknown and uncertainty future. Going back along the road that we already traveled once has none of that because u already know the route, the pitfalls and the dangerous parts of the journey. Past are familiar, and new is always scary, so it’s always easy to get sucked back into the comfort of going back.

However, with no risk, comes no reward, and if u always do what u’ve always done, u will only get what u’ve always had. And there will be no exciting adventure in your life then...."No Pain, No Gain". The way i see it now, the important thing in life, isn’t the destination, but the journey, the challenges we faced along the way, the unexpected challenge and twist on the road, the failure and disappointments that u overcome. Eventually sooner or later i have to do something, for myself, and make my mark. But until then, whatever i do is not a waste of time, it’s all building towards something. All my life, people dont expect much from me, n never took me seriously. If i don't start taking care and loving myself, who the fuck else will?

Embrace the Chaos.

When something harms your soul and smashes your heart so profoundly and deep, u cant deal with it without wishing u were dead or walking through this life in a dead state. You can't underestimate depression and true sadness, it's your soul dying, and you basically have no will to live. But someday somehow,sooner or later, u will come back alive again, and breath a new life, it's just a matter of time, that's all. Just embrace the chaos. Life do comes with no guarantees, no time outs and no second chances. Deal with it Eddy!