My Demise, Your Rise.

You build your castle
From the brick of my tears
You should be happy by now
For my tragic fall down.

You made your paradise
From the pieces of my broken heart
You should be happy by now
As my world were completely gone

So congratulations
You won.
So go ahead
Celebrate my demise

So please
Just stay away
As i'm a deadman
Let me reincarnate
To find my own happy place

Only one question
How could you sleep well at night
When you just murdered someone?

Aku = The Rocker?

Hidup ni mcm movies n film, setiap manusia ada cerita, plot, storyline masing2...sedangkan haiwan pun ade kisah dan cerita yang tersendiri. Sebelum ni aku selalu fikir yg storyline life aku akan berjalan according to most people’s standard,which is according to everybody’s standard, u know, u were born, go to school, go to college, got a gf, finish college, got a steady job, get married, have own family, live happily ever after, n the cycle goes on utk anak2 kau pulak..Begitulah standard fasa perjalanan hidup manusia biasa. Ramai kawan2 sebaya aku yg dah melalui fasa tersebut,  dh bertunang,  even ramai yg dah berkahwin dah pun.  Selama ini aku selalu membayangkan yang aku juga akan melaluinya. But x terlintas dalam fikiran yang aku akan melalui jalan hidup yang berliku, yg x tentu lg arah tujuannya. Ironically, months ago i really thought that my life was already figured out. Seriously, i thought i had it all figured out. But tuhan itu maha berkuasa, kita sebagai manusia biasa mmg x terdaya melawan takdirnya. Mungkin ini adalah karma, atas dosa2 aku yang lalu. Right now, i feel like i’m at the lowest point in my life. I’m in the deep darkness, n uncertain about what my future holds. It’s so brutal n excruciating. I feel like, well i dont wanna say loser, but...

Menonton kembali movie ‘The Rocker’, aku rase aku boleh relate kisah hidup mamat  Robert Fish lakonan Rain Wilson ni dgn aku, walaupun x la sama sgt. Robert Fish, adalah seorang drummer  yang sangat2 passionate and dedicated kepada band glam rock yang sedang meningkat naik tahun 80an, Vesuvius. Selepas bermain untuk beberapa gig, akhirnya Vesuvius mendapat peluang keemasan iaitu tawaran daripada label besar untuk bernaung di bawah mereka, dan seterusnya menuju kemahsyuran. Tetapi dengan satu syarat, mereka mestilah membuang Fish sebagai drummer dan menggantikannya dengan anak buah bos label besar tersebut. Tanpa pengetahuan Fish, kesemua bandmate yg lain telah bertindak menandatangani persetujuan mematuhi syarat tersebut, supaya mereka dapat bernaung di bawah label besar tu, dan terus mengecapi kemahsyuran dan dunia glamour. Fish yang sangat kecewa dengan tindakan bandmatenya yang sanggup menikam belakang bersumpah akan menubuhkan band yang lebih hebat dari Vesuvius satu hari nanti. Akan tetapi, 20 tahun telah berlalu dan Fish masih lagi seorang yang gagal. He leads an unhappy life by failing at another cubicle job, breaking up with his girlfriend, and akhirnya terpaksa tinggal di rmh kakaknya yang sudah berkeluarga. Fish finds himself living in the attic looking for work, and is further frustrated by Vesuvius's success as a band. Melihat kepada kisah hidup mamat ni, it takes 20 years of suffering, leading an unhappy, unsuccessful life. 20 years after his rock star fantasies are destroyed, just when Fish has finally given up all hope, barulah beliau mendapat peluang kedua, setelah anak saudaranya iaitu anak kakaknya mengajak beliau menyertai bandnya utk persembahan prom night. Dan dari situ lah Fish mendapat semangatnya kembali, and the story goes…

Right now,aku merasakan yang roda kehidupan aku telah berputar menghala ke bawah, sebawah2nya. Ini adalah fasa derita dan kecundang aku. Justeru membuatkan aku mcm dah hilang passion in music yang aku sgt2 syg selama ini.  I already forgot when the last time I hold the drum stick…I used to be passionate, and so called 'creative',duh. Sekarang aku hanya manusia yang hilang arah tujuan dan pedoman...Namun aku yakin, ini semua mungkin sementara, ada hikmah di sebalik semua yg berlaku. Takkanlah aku nak ambil masa 20 tahun kot untuk bangkit, mcm mamat dalam The Rocker ni, lama sgt tuuuu. I have to get all my shit together, n have everything figured out ASAP…

1st step...

1st step to happiness = i find the happiness in the job i have now. Good environment, good colleagues, tambah2 lagi dapat bekerja sekali with my bestfriend of 5 years. I hope this is the 1st step for me to smile again, even just a little bit. Aku harap sekurang2nya aku dapat menimbulkan inspirasi dalam diri aku, berkeyakinan untuk jadi lebih kreatif, tidak menoleh ke belakang lagi, terus melihat kedepan dan kedepan. Dan sekurang2nya passion aku terhadap kerja design ni mampu timbul dan reemerge kembali, n i got the feeling with this new job, i will make the best out of it, coz for the past 2 months all my passion were kinda dead n destroyed completely, which is my passion in art, design and even music ( i even quit my band). Now, i think i'm back, insya Allah. I wanna feel whole again. Next....

I Quit My Job.

The tragedy that i'm going through has been the trigger i needed to my system, to get my life back on track. I started to appreciate my family more - something I had never really consider before. And most recently, I quit the job that I was unhappy in, started to search a new career interest that will make me happy. Surprisingly, after quitting job, i feel so relieved. It feels so good. Sometimes things need to fall apart to make way for better things. I believe I may end up having an entire new perspective on my life. I wanna start fresh....

I gain a new perspective of what i really2 wanna do in my life. And the main question is: what i really wanna do for living? I just realized maybe for a long term, it's not gonna be graphic design, I dont wanna do shit just to please and satisfy some strangers called customer and client? If I wanna do art, I will do it for myself, as a hobby, not for some other assholes. I learn that if u hate the job, the people, the working environment, just quit. It’s that easy, u just up n quit. Besides i'm too young to get stuck in unhappy situation (someone taught me this..)

It's important to have a job that makes a difference, especially to yourself. I had waste and struggle five years of studying and doing graphic, it's so exhausting. So why the hell i need to do and repeat the same shit, in my career? I decided to take this as my stepping stone to another career that makes me happy, and i hope i will find one eventually. I dont want this  “I hate my job” path travel down the ever dangerous “I hate my life” path. I want something that makes me feel alive. Those who working their ass off just to please others were already dead, according to me.

I gotta find what i really wanna do, and be passionate about it. I dont wanna get up in the morning just to 'work', i wanna get up in the morning, doing something that i'm passionate about, and get paid for it, eventhough money is not really the case. In the meantime, i just have to keep searching, not just for the job, but what i'm really passionate and happy about....

Change.

Is change really a good thing? Is new always better?...I'm having a hard time to believe it. I used to be a coward, so afraid of any kind of change, terrified of anything new, why? Because its comfortable and familiar, and i'm so desperate to cling to anything comfortable and familiar. Any attempt to change it will shatter the illusion of my so called beautiful future. It’s all too easy to get too comfortable in something. All this while, I have this inability to improve my station in life. I blame life for shitting on me all the time, bitching and complaining, never once accepting my own responsibility for my situation. It must be great to have an ability to just simplify things. Like if u dont satisfied with certain things in your life, or unhappy with it, u can just change it, throw it away, dump it. Just like that. Simple. But i dont have the ability to risk the comfortable situations on better things and future. So what i could do? I just sit there and be miserable cause i dont have guts to face change.

But in inevitable case, whether u want it or not, you have to face the change, embrace it, and make the best out of it, so u wont be a coward anymore. I mean you cant fight and run away from fate, can u? When god chose you, so be it! Yeah i gotta admit i never been through something more traumatic in my life, until now. And yeah my life’s in the shitter right now.

However, this is a defining moment, to define whether i have the courage or not, to face the change in my life. It teach me to be strong, and be more mature. It's a life lesson. There's a reason why god put me into this situation, to teach something about ME, to really to get to know myself, and to get closure. It change my point of view in life, to whole new, different level. I never even thought about the need to improve my station in life until now. I'm the guy that doesn't always realize the error of his ways at just the right moment. I used to take things for granted, until god finally chose me to teach some lesson...I finally learn to forgive myself, and forget, coz let’s face it nobody's perfect, and everybody make terrible mistakes in some point of their life, and sooner or later u gotta pay for those mistakes and sins.....

I know the future is scary, but you cant just run back to the past because it's comfortable and familiar. Yeah its really tempting, but its a mistake. And this is not giving up, i just feel that i had enough, there's a different between giving up and letting go they say. I have to surrender what i am, for what i could become. I believe this is the opportunity to sort my life out, get on with my life to a better future, closing the sad, past chapter of my life, only to open up a new, great one. I hope there’s a light at the end of the tunnel...

"It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right..."- Billy Joe Armstrong