Why am i still single..

I dont settle for less. Why should i? I mean, i got my own class and standards. I deserve better. Since the end of my real relationship in 2011, i have 2 rebounds actually. Both didnt work out the way i wanted to. It's because i dont love them the way they deserve to be loved, and i dont love them the way i wanna love somebody. And they didn't  meet my expectation on their personality and intelligence. The reason why the rebounds happen in the first place is just because I just craving for sexual intercourse and coitus,thats all, nothing more nothing less, without all emotional attachment.

But all this shit will have to stop when i'm already meet 'the one'.

The Victim.

I find it's very amazing that the one who really wants to break up their relationship find a way to hook up with someone new in 6 months or less...while a guy, a victim, like me are left stranded alone in some fucking pathetic island. How the hell they just seem to forget easily and move on with someone new? Are they really that heartless, cruel, cold hearted person? It’s like she going through this break up like a piece of cake, we been together for 5 years for fuck sake. This is really2 degrading for me. Sometimes i think all these 5 years, she just kept me on the line while she looked for someone else, making me like a fool holding on to this fake relationship. She used me and sold me out for her own happiness.

Sometimes, i really do want karma will get her someday,  to suffer the same pain that i've suffered. But i guess it isn’t always the best way, to wish bad things for others. She seems so happy right now so i should let her be. The best way is, to just live my own life, and live it for myself. The only thing that messed me up right now is the flashbacks that always come into my mind, trying to make me realize that i’ve lost so much. I even avoid certain places and songs that keep reminding me of her. But i will keep going through this mess, as i made some progress lately. I realize the very2 right direction is to leave that as a past experience. It’s just a part of life, and i can call it a story. The story that i will tell to my future children perhaps, if i luckily to be married, one day.

The things that i do right now, lecturing, teaching graphic design to the young, kept me preoccupied and eventually i found out that by comparing myself to my peers (who are in relationships, engaged and married),i was further ahead in terms of 'planning for my future'. Comparing to me, they will taking over relationship responsibilities, problems and commitment, having kids etc. It's a lot for them to do, to take care of. It's a lot of pressure for them. 

As for me, I'm stress-free. I have freed myself from the burden of being in relationship. Instead of taking over a lot of responsibilities, i focusing on my dreams and my future. But, despite that, i can deny the fact that the 'dreams' can only mean so much for such short time. I do miss the physical, mental, and emotional experience that one can share with a woman. I want what she had with that new guy now, the emotional, mental and physical connection of 2 people. Things like that are priceless and barely comes often.

But i still believe and told myself that there's someone for everyone.

Closure.

Lately I constantly try to torturing myself, to see whether i still feel, just to made me stronger. So that in the future whenever i do hear stuff about them from friends or whoever, i'm just numb. I wont feel anything anymore. It's like the worst is over for me.  I feel like i can completely start over again.  And there's nothing left that im gonna be anxious about. I guess i'll be free from the anxiety, the trauma and the heartache. 

I think now i wont get hurt if seeing her with her new guy anymore. To be honest, it does give me a sense of closure. I keep thinking now at least i can live a normal life. I wont constantly be worrying about things like "is she dating someone?" "what if she meets someone new?""do we have a chance?" because I have answers for all of those now. I see that she's so in love with him, and in a weird way, i'm glad that she's happy. So weird. It gives me a sense of relief that i've gotten past that stage and the worst is over. At least now i wont be worrying whether or not she's dating someone because i know that she is.  I got over it, finally, at least that's what i thought. There's really nothing much left there that she and her new guy say to each other that i haven't seen, so I dont really care anymore at this point. I just laugh when thinking back of this word that once said to me: " fall head over heels for u syg"..it's just so funny there's a people in this world that can actually take this word as a joke, n that's really says a lot about this person.

Its been more than a year. Though it still hurts and makes me sad at times, i can truly say that i'm glad i have gotten past that stage that most of us fear which is seeing our past love with somebody new. Yes it would hurt like crazy the first time you find out about it. You might become obsessed too. But in time, you'll also feel that seeing her with someone new takes away all the false hope that most of us tend to linger on. 

And at the end of the day, you will finally realize that she's not worth it.